:)

Basically, I'm done ... And try to settle down ... Try to believe on myself and on the promising supports ...
I know who I am ... I know ....
Cannot believe that I can lose myself this way .... Maybe, sometimes, have to decide between two things .... two things, only one choice .... so tough ... Somehow feel hurt, very hurt to realize this fact ... Let it go naturally, who knows the future ... the only way can think about ...
So confusing ... don't make me confused this way ... so tired to play the game ... to doubt ...
... haunted with doubting ...
.................................................
wishing I could live two lives .... greedy me ... I always want to become famous !!!
............................................................................................................................................

I found myself again, on this street, driving my car in tears ...
.......... drop the line ........

Sad ... and disappointed ...

How can I say now ...
Waking up in a cold morning and figuring out I'm the loser ... Cannot think about anything ... So disappointed about myself.
It's a very hard thing to realize and accept ... just like a shame, a big shame ... How can I tell everybody I AM A LOSER !!!!
I don't know why I have this feelings, right at this moment.
because I don't want to return back to what I am supposed to do
or
because I don't want to accept the truth ... along with lots of suspections among them ... the biggest is .... who is the person who can guide me and give me the chance correctly (As Raj used to talk to me one time)

What I have and can do now is ... CALM DOWN .... and think carefully, thoughtfully about everything, about the future ... What I will be to be, become ....
CALM DOWN .... and see everything optimistically, and accept on the real fact ... learn how to accept, although it's very difficult to me ....

.................... I have a bad day !!!

:(

It's hard to start over ... I hate this fact ... but maybe they're right: It's the best thing for me; also for them.

Seminar class

In this class, some students registered to hear and evaluate the presentation. Some other registered to give a talk.
I have never registered to talk. A PhD student must give the talk two times; and attend to hear and evaluate 3 times. This is my 3rd semester, and I registered to hear 3 times already.
I find it fun and useful when hearing someone talk about his topic. You can learn new things, or at least try to challenge yourself hearing some accents that may not be a real English.
I'd love to giving the comments on the talk. And almost all the time, my comments are right. I can confirm that when looking at the way my Prof listening to my comment and nodding repeatly out of satisfaction. (There was a time when I gave a very negative feedback to a Chinese guy, and I had to send him an email for apology :D)
Today seminar was very interesting. It's about the anti-cancer effect of a kind of fungus named "winter worm and summer grass". In winter, this fungus has a shape of a worm 'cause it infects the worm and utilizes the worm's nutrient until the worm dies. Then in the summer, its has the shape like a kind of grass.
The speaker, a Chinese girl, has a very beautiful and good accent.
But the most happy thing is the way my Prof listened and agreed with my questions and comments. I like the way he looks at me ... So encouraging.... And I'm sure that he will be eager (and also curious) to see me giving the talk sometimes .... Someone who gives that kind of comments ... What will she do on her own presentation .... Hopefully, I will do a good job !
.....
I love this class ....!!!

"Feel free like a bird"

I use this statement in many situations. Today, after finishing the monthly report which had met the deadline and now is late for more than 6 days, I feel free like a bird.
I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to go home and ... sleep. I want to take my cat out for a walk.
Oops, forget to update about my cat.
Last weekend, she wanted to go out. I thought it was a right time for her 'cause she has recovered quickly after the surgery. I opened the door, and she jumped out quickly, as usual. But she didn't run away as I thought. She just followed me whenever I went. And we together went for a walk (with the real meaning of going for a walk together).
I stopped by a bench waiting for her at that time discovering a trash. Suddenly she got rid of her interest, looked around finding me, and ran into me very quickly. Oh, just like a dog ... I was surprised about that, and then realized something .... Now, maybe I am, not anything else, is the most important thing she has ....
We went around the building. I was walking on a slow speed waiting for her stopping by, discovering something, and ran into me, again and again .... So happy at that time. I felt like I had the happiness running into me whenever I go ....
As I'm typing this words, she has curled up near me and slept .... So peaceful and lovely ...
Love her so much !!!
Since the daylight saving time ended, it became so cold outside ....

Random thought

1. Sometimes I ask myself: What is the definition of "roommate" .... Okay, here's the answer: "roommate" is someone who shares the space with you in your apartment physically. And that's it !!! So do not be sensitive or expect more about this term.
2. Now I find myself as a flexible person. I can change my mind inmediately after a conversation. Is it good or not? Don't know ... but maybe because of that, such important things have changed a lot through my life ... but I 've just discovered this fact recently.
3. I couldn't find my size in the sock shelf in Walmart. So I bought colorful socks in the kids store instead (Please remember that I had no choice :D). Every pairs have letters on them: "Monday", Tuesday ... and so on. And everyday !!! Okay, I don't have to worry which color I will put on each day. Some people look at my socks and find I'm ridiculous 'cause it's not appropriate for an adult 24-year- old. Some says my style is cute ...














Never mind, I like this way :D It's convenient :D It gave me the idea that I should embroider the date on my clothes and underwears also (of course, underwears are not my thought, it's from Jingfen).
Funny :D

:)

Your flowers delight my day :* :* :*

Something but nothing

I find myself wallowing in study and work, and loneliness (sometimes) ... But after all, I cannot figure out the way to be happy everyday, and the way to be successful with all these things; or because my desire is always higher and higher than my ability ...
I come to the lab everyday; and have new things to do; or if I'm unlucky that day, then I have to face some annoying bugs that take me long time to figure out. Today, I feel so bored with programming, and pessimistically figure out that I should surrender, and come back to what I used to do in College. Maybe it will be a better choice ...?!!
If you hate someone, then the hatred sticks into your mind, and you refuse any good thing he has. And the hatred becomes bigger and bigger everyday. It's only you who suffer this hatred, not him .... But cannot omit it from your mind (If the hatred is easily omitted, then there's no hatred in the world) ... Suffering is not a good way because there's still a long time to see his face, to cooperate with him (Ooppsss !!! I hate this fact) ... And what happens if one day it goes over your suffering .... UNsufferable ....
Should change to another enviroment .... hic ... I'm not so smart and brave for such a change (Even I change my life many times)
What happened if I continued with literature in College?! Perhaps, I'm happier ... But what is the most regretful thing? ... hmmmm, that I wouldn't meet my sweetheart :*